The Thin Line Between Fear and Disinterest

Since I wrote about tackling that last duck, I have been doing a lot of thinking about exactly how I will “get out there” and I find myself asking the same questions I have asked myself in the past.

What things am I avoiding, that I might actually enjoy if I get over my nervousness about it, and what things do I really just not have interest in?  Should I force myself to do things I am not really interested in if there is a chance to meet interesting people?  Am I trying hard enough?  Then I get all tangled up and I am sometimes not even sure what I am interested in.

Today, I realized I am in a much better place to answer those questions than I have been in the past.

I was thinking this morning that my calendar for the foreseeable future is blank.  I am in job limbo and not really sure what my next job will be and when it will start.  I have no vacations planned and almost no social events on my calendar.   In the past, this circumstance would leave me feeling down, stressed, and thinking “I have nothing to look forward to.”  Today, I am feeling completely OK with this.  It feels like a blank slate and I am kind of going day to day.  I am confident that I will make the right choices when they are presented to me and that the future will unfold the way it is supposed to.  As I write these words I am verklempt thinking about how far I have come to be this new person.  I think a little Yoga, even less meditation, and a lot of therapy has gotten me here. (Unlikely the itty bits of meditation have contributed but I will keep plugging away at that.)

To reinforce this feeling (of being a new person and overall more content), I also got a couple of comments on my last post reminding me that my 2010 goals really did get me out there more and I am totally on the right track.  I leave my house to do Yoga.  For 8 years I did yoga in my living room.  Sure there are only artsy tattooed women and gay men there, but I am out!  I threw a happy hour.  Huge!  I cooked dinner for my neighbors this week.  This is an example of something I was avoiding because I was nervous and it turned out wonderfully and was kind of fun!

I am going to stop beating myself up for not going on more walking tours, not joining a running club, and not attending singles events disguised as ways to make new friends.  These are not things I want to do.  If I purchase a non fiction book on a topic and actually read it, I am interested, and I might find something in the world to do related to that topic.  If an activity has actually crossed my mind 5-10 times, I am interested (i.e. hip hop dance class and indoor rock climbing, seriously.)  I am not going to let other people tell me what I should and should not do to meet men (and I assure you that everyone has an opinion on this.)

I am going to trust myself to distinguish between fear and disinterest (I might meditate on it if I am not completely sure), and will keep moving down the path I have put myself on.   If you build it, he will come.  And if he doesn’t, I have my TiVo, my Kindle, lots of wonderful friends and family members, and the greatest city in the world to keep me company (unless of course I move to Cambridge where I hear there are lots of fabulous bald men wandering around.)  Bring it on.

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